It's Been a While..

I haven't written a blog in quite a while, I have had a LOT going on in the past few months so here's a quick post to catch up.

As some of you know, I have been ill for about nine months now and have seen over twenty doctors, nurse practitioners, and specialists in Hawaii and all over Henderson and Las Vegas.  Finally, I have officially been diagnosed with insulin resistance, pre-diabetes, polycystic ovarian disease, Hashimoto's disease, and fibromyalgia.  That is a LOT to deal with, and it's been hard to get my head around since I will be living with most of these problems for the rest of my life.  One of the specialists also told me that I have basically no immune system left, as all these problems have gone untreated and worn it completely out.  I have been pretty overwhelmed but in a strange way, feel a slight sense of relief now that doctors have finally put a name (or names) to what problems I've been having with my health.  At one point I was tested for Cushing's syndrome, a condition where a tumor grows on your pituitary gland near the brain, which I was terrified about. Thankfully, I do not have it, and  I am now moving forward dealing with the health issues I know I do have.

I have drastically changed my diet, cutting out most carbs and sugars.  I am following a low glycemic index diet and have lost 12lbs in less than a month.  I am still finding it difficult to exercise frequently as my body is weak and I get tired extremely quickly, but it will be a long process and I accept that now.

I am starting my second semester of graduate school in a couple of weeks, and will be graduating in December of 2013. I wish it were this December, but I have never been one known for her patience.  I'm glad I am furthering my education, but I doubt I will ever feel it necessary for me to complete a doctoral study.

That's about it for now, just wanted everyone to know I am still alive and kickin'! :)

What is going on here?

Today alone, I read in the news that:
- a grandmother shot her teenage grandson dead
- a baby in Brazil was decapitated by careless doctors during labor
- an acid attack that has left a woman permanently disfigured
- a man entered his ex-girlfriends home wearing an explosive vest and blew himself up 
- a 14-year-old boy taken into custody after murdering his fathers' girlfriend
- a man arrested in Thailand after police discover his suitcase full of dead babies

My question is:
When did the world go crazy?

People are so full of ignorance, anger, hate, jealousy, greed, and depravity.  I can't really remember the last time I saw "good" news.  If there does happen to be a positive article, it is more than likely reporting on the positive outcome of a struggle that could have been prevented in the first place.
People don't know how to be happy for one another anymore.  People don't know how to share, how to show forgiveness, how to be patient or open-minded. Everyone is out for his or herself, and it is becoming a sad, sad world to live in.
I know I am not alone when I say I have been hurt, let down, or angered by someone before. I know I have hurt people in the past but I can honestly say it has never been intentional.  It seems that more often than not people are behaving in the most selfish, ignorant manner that other peoples' wellbeing or feelings doesn't even come into it.
Today I was "harassed" by a complete stranger after I wrote a simple "hello" to a friend I've known for years.  At first I found it funny, but then I become a little saddened by it, and I suppose this event among other things have sparked this post.  I am finding myself having less and less faith in people the more I interact with people or the more I hear about situations such as the ones I described in the beginning of this piece.
I am not an hateful person.  Yes, I have been an angry person, and an uptight person, but I know I am in a much better place mentally than I have been in years.  I consider myself a strong person and generally don't let little things get to me.  But I think there comes a time when things add up and you have to sit back and wonder, what is going on?
I have been letdown by a variety of people in a variety of ways in the past few years, more so than I have throughout my entire life.  I was bitter, and have worked my way through that feeling as best I can.  But I have to say, I really don't know where to go from here.  The world doesn't seem to be getting a better place, rather quite the opposite, and it truly is a discomforting thought.

Saturday night musings.

It's become a ritual of sorts that every Saturday night (or Sunday morning) I check the Postsecret blog and read the new secrets. I did this a few years ago and then forgot about it, and then went to a Postsecret event on campus during my undergrad and started checking the blog again.

Many a times I've considered sending in a secret but quickly dismissed the idea for a variety of reasons, from not being comfortable sharing my secrets (yes, even anonymously) to how would I decorate the card? Regardless, I've never sent in a secret and I'm not sure that I ever will. But reading other people's secrets puts my own into perspective.

Reading the secrets tonight I realized just how little we all know about one another. Yes, we have close family members, close friends, and so on, but do we ever really share all that we have to give? I know very few people know a lot about me, and I'm just more comfortable with it being that way. I have a very close family and a group of great friends, but I don't share nearly as much as I could, or maybe even should.

I don't appear to anyone shy, or reserved, as far as I'm aware. I'm the friendly, outgoing, outspoken one and that's how I believe most people see me. But between Jessica I know versus the Jessica I show is quite the discrepancy. I don't mean to say I am fake, I am intending on deceiving those around me, but I am a lot different on the inside than I am on the outside.

But, the more I think about it, I feel that a lot of people could probably say the same thing. I don't think we ever really KNOW someone, the way we know ourselves. I think it's a sad truth because I think the world would be a very different place if we were honest with others, but more importantly with ourselves.

If we took less time reflecting on ourselves and spent more time sharing ourselves with others, we may be able to gain the perspectives we so need to be comfortable with who we are, deep inside. Truly laying everything out on the table would hopefully bring a new closeness between people, so long as everyone recognized the need to care about those other than themselves.

Things I Love.

It's nice to reflect on these things once in a while. 

Baby animals

Baking something and it turning out perfectly

When someone has a crazy laugh

Babies

The smell of freshly baked bread

 Corn chowder

A cool breeze on a warm day

 Mountains

Sunsets and sunrises

Heavy rain 

Birthdays 

Tan skin

Hitting every green light

Salty popcorn

Big old trees

Getting a card in the mail

 Neck rubs

The feeling after cleaning my house

Cold nights

Laying on the beach

Vanilla candles

Chips 'n' dip

Cold pillows
Australian accents
When someone gets the door for me

Brown eyes

Things on sale
Baking

Being blonde
Moving house
Swimming
How small babies' shoes are
Sushi
Plumeria
Irish accents
Free samples at Costco
Organic products

My cookie recipe

Hiking

Shy laughter

Hot sand

Hiking
Pidgin

Getting my nails done

Scary movies

 French fries

Big purses

A good book

An ice cold glass of water

I'll add more here and there... :o)

My Mind as a Frayed Ribbon.

I think that's the best comparison. The moment I start thinking about something, or better yet coming to a conclusion or an understanding of it, a contradictory idea or potential outcome pops into my head. It's like picking at the end of a frayed ribbon in the hopes of trying to even it out, but actually all that really happens is that you make it even worse than it was to begin with.

I know this is all very vague and perhaps a little overly.."poetic" but I don't know how else to put it without getting into details I'd rather not share nor that I can explain adequately.  This general feeling of mental fabric snags has been eating away at me bit by bit and I can't seem to stop it.

"Get a grip," or "toughen up," automatically spring to mind, but then I can't help but wonder well, what if I don't? What's wrong with not being 100% all the time? Then, the aforementioned contradictions set in and my perfectionist tendencies quickly dismiss those "what ifs" and I go back to trying to figure out what's going on in this head of mine.

As i was telling a friend earlier, I went out for a run to try and clear my mind and the only conclusion I came to was that I hate running.

On my way back home I stopped at the small beach across from my condo and sat for a while. WARNING: This next part is going to sound obscenely cheesy and impractical to some people but it's how I feel so skip ahead if you are tempted to ridicule.  I sat on the beach and talked to God. I asked him to clear my mind, or to at least pick out the parts that were important and focus on working those out. I asked if I should leave it to Fate, and then I asked when do we stop leaving things to Fate and take them into our own hands? In what circumstances to I leave it up to the ways of the world, and in which do I make things happen myself? When do I make the effort or do I move on and leave things in the past? When do I accept things as they are, or try to change them to how I feel they should be?

As I'm writing this it's becoming more apparent that I can't really have the answers to any of these questions, because life would be easy then and well, it isn't, and it isn't for anyone. What I'm struggling to accept is that my life is out of my hands when I can't figure it out, and when I can, I take control. I've always felt that Fate isn't something that can be assigned to some aspects of life and not others; you either believe in it or you don't. But now I'm not so sure. My Mum told me the other day that she thinks I've grown up a lot since I've been here; that I'm not as "black and white" as I used to be, and now I understand that there are some gray areas. I do appreciate this perspective on life now, but it's still difficult to acknowledge it.

Typing all of this has been like water running from a faucet on high. It's just poured out freely and now it's as if someone's cut the water supply. After getting it all out into the written word, I have no conclusion, but I do feel strangely settled. Yesterday was just one day, as is today, and so will be tomorrow. I just need to take things a day at a time. <3

March 11th, 2011

Thursday started off like any other day. Actually it was even better, because I woke up early enough to get an iced Haupia latte from the coffee shop across the street (which was by the way, delicious). I drove to work and worked from 7-7. I was pretty exhausted by the time I got home, so I ate dinner and showered. Then, while I was in the shower, I got a call saying I needed to come back into work because there was a tsunami alert.

Tsunami alert? I almost didn't believe my coworker; they all knew I was tired after work that day so I thought they were playing a joke on me. But when he said to turn on the news, I saw Japan. I don't think the severity of the situation hit me between a daze of confusion, fear, and exhaustion. I quickly jumped out of the shower, got dressed and headed out to work. 

By this point it was around 10pm. I walked outside and there were people from every direction in my complex getting into their cars and driving away. We live in an evacuation area so regardless of getting called into work, I would have had to leave my home to get to higher ground. It didn't occur to me that there would be warning sirens throughout the town and the sound of them chilled me to the bone. I was so unfamiliar with this sort of situation, and here I was alone and freaked out. I think that initially, the thing that scared me the most, was calling to tell my parents. I could only imagine how worried they would be, and for a split second I contemplated not calling and letting them sleep through the night. But I couldn't do it and I called my Mum to let her know. This night, of all nights, I hadn't charged my phone so it was almost dead. Typical. I explained everything was fine and that I was headed into work, and would be in touch as and when I could.

When I got into work we gathered supplies and aided guests with evacuation. We had to evacuate the property for safety reasons since our property is ocean front. We had everyone to higher ground by around 11pm and began serving fresh chocolate chip cookies (in true Four Seasons style) and making up rollaway beds for all of the guests. The night seemed to pass by so slowly, and I eventually gave up and tried to nap in the back of someones truck. I woke up around 4am, which by this time, the tsunami had arrived, done it's damage, and left, like an angry ex-girlfriend. We were so anxious to see what had happened but had to wait until morning to survey the damage. The property did suffer some damage, but our staff has been absolutely fantastic and has pulled together in true "ohana" style. Everyone is working to restore the pristine condition our beautiful hotel maintains, and we'll be back and ready for business in no time :)

While I can go on and on about how afraid I was, I can't stop thinking how blessed we were on the islands. Being closer to Japan than we are to the United States, we could have suffered complete devastation and we woke up the next morning unharmed, if not a little shaken up. 

Japan continues to haunt my mind. It's all you read about online, it's all you hear about on the radio, and it's all you see on TV. The news goes from bad to worse and leaves you with a feeling of being punched in the stomach. I feel so helpless.

The American Red Cross are taking donations by SMS - text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation. I did.

Please keep the people of Japan in your thoughts and prayers, as I am. And always remember to count your blessings, we really don't have it nearly as bad as we tend to think. 

xoxo

Me ka aloha

Hey everyone!

Sorry I haven’t been on here for a while, I have been so incredibly busy and my internet isn’t set up yet so it’s been difficult to get online for a variety of reasons.

In short: I LOVE HAWAII!  This is the first time I’ve ever been to the islands, but I know even if I move away, it won’t be my last. It is such an incredibly beautiful place, with plumeria bushes everywhere and the ocean across the street from my condo.  Every night the sunset is like something you’d see on a postcard, and there’s always a nice cool breeze.  There are turtles sunbathing on the beach, and you can see whales along the coastline. There are small yellow love birds everywhere, and bright green geckos scurrying around. It is so incredible.

Work has been busy and exhausting, but I have learned more in these past three weeks than I’ve learned throughout my three years in college. Granted, my degree provided me with the foundations of hospitality knowledge, but actually being out in the field is a whole new ball game. I spent my first two weeks completing “New Manager Orientation,” a series of meetings scheduled with the department heads and even the General Manager, giving me the opportunity to build connections from the get go.  I was so thankful for this because it’s the first time I’ve moved away from home, and really didn’t know a single person out here.  It has also helped me to understand what kind of relationship my department (Rooms) has with the others, such as Engineering, F&B, Banquets, and so on.  I spent my next week training with the Housekeeping team, who I am spending the first six months of my rotation with. I had never been exposed to Housekeeping before, and this was one of the biggest eye-openers in my life. I always respected guest room attendants, but actually training to do what they do was phenomenal. The amount of sweat and oftentimes, tears that go into their job is amazing. The work is absolutely backbreaking and more often than not, very thankless. The women are incredible and I have even more respect for them than I did before.

It’s really great having my own place, paying my own bills, doing my own laundry (and no, I’m not being sarcastic). I’ll be the first to admit that after a 10 or 11 hour workday the last thing I want to do is throw some clothes in the laundry or file paperwork, but I am thankful I have the opportunity to do these things now. I have never had those responsibilities before and I really think they have helped me to mature quickly and given me the freedom to appreciate things a little bit more.

The most interesting thing to me about my leaving is how insightful this move has been, on many levels. I cannot believe the contrast between the people and the overall lifetstyle here, versus Vegas.  I couldn’t wait to get out of Vegas, and now looking at the city as an outsider, I am SOOOOO grateful I’m away from it. The people there are relentless, aggressive, selfish and conniving.  It is such a hardened, “what’s in it for me?” way to live and I despise that I was sucked into it for so long. Only a handful of people have sent me a text saying “how’s everything going?!” and a few of those weren’t even people I expected to hear from, but I’m glad I did. Other than that, my move to Hawaii has definitely confirmed who my real friends are and who I plan to keep connections with. Liking my Facebook status doesn’t mean you care, it means you want other people to see you’re "keeping in touch." I do miss a few people very much, and can’t wait to see them again.

That’s all for now, I’ll update again once I have a more reliable internet connection. If anyone has Skype let me know because I’d love to chat! 

I really am living in paradise.