I have really been feeling stuck in a rut lately. In my life, my rut-like feelings can range from small, shallow, chip in the road kind of ruts to gaping, perpetual, canyon kind of ruts, and I am currently experiencing the latter. Obviously this is quite normal for any human, and we generally refer to them as life's ups and downs, but this time, I just can't rid myself of this horrible crushing feeling on my rib cage as if I'm drowning, above water.
I find myself questioning almost every aspect of not only my personal life, but life in general. No, this isn't turning into a blog slash ramble about the meaning of life... Just a simple, what makes me happy? And how do I get there? post.
It seems I have been more focused on what makes me unhappy, and while I try to steer clear of negativity, I found myself returning to these points, and for the longest time I couldn't understand why. But now I do. I know what makes me unhappy... I just haven't quite figured out what makes me happy.
I am hugely unhappy with living in Las Vegas. I never liked it here but have grown to utterly despise it over the last four years or so (one of which I wasn't even here). I mean no disrespect to those who live here or enjoy living here, I just cannot bear it for myself. I don't like the lifestyle, I don't like the weather, I don't like the neighborhoods, and quite frankly, I don't like most of the people. I have lived in several towns in England, on Hawai'i island, and in Las Vegas, and if I can say one thing about living in this city, it's that people are, quite frankly, mean.
Which leads me to my next point. People. I have been quite unlucky in my choice of romantic partners and in friends since I moved to the U.S. Thankfully now I have a nice, loving boyfriend and a very small group of real girlfriends, but I have met far more ugly (and I don't mean physically) people. I have never encountered so many people who neither see nor feel accountable for their actions. I have never met so many people who thrive on malice and spew hurtful words purely for a cheap laugh. I have never been around so many people who concern themselves with business that has nothing to do with them, only to add their unqualified and often nasty input. People take it upon themselves to judge so quickly and usually tailor these judgments to suit their personal agendas. People are so quick to accept one side of a story as true without any regard to forming an educated, unprejudiced opinion. And without playing a victim, I seem to have suffered at the hands of people like this fairly frequently through my teens until now. I have been so incredibly hurt on more occasions I can count. I have been judged, lied to, disappointed, used and manipulated and regardless of what people may choose to believe about me from afar, I really do not have a thick skin. I am a changed person as a result of what I have allowed people to do to me, and of what people have delighted in inflicting upon me.
I read a while back, something about people only holding as much power over you as you let them. While in theory I can agree with this, I find it very difficult in particular cases to agree with. I don't want these people or these situations to have a hold on me, and I know they shouldn't...but they do. My favorite quote (not to appear trite) about this matter is one from Rose Kennedy:
It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
I guess this is ultimately my struggle. Getting to the point where my circumstances, my relationships, my friendships and other things in my life that are beyond my realm of control no longer affect me. So much of my life has been dictated to me by forces way larger than myself, and only very few people who know me truly understand this. I am so ready to give up the battle, not because I am a quitter, but because I now know I will not win.
This is not a bad thing, despite the initial austere tone it may evoke. Life is about choosing your battles, and choosing them wisely, and I am ready to prepare for new ones. Far away from here.
