I think that's the best comparison. The moment I start thinking about something, or better yet coming to a conclusion or an understanding of it, a contradictory idea or potential outcome pops into my head. It's like picking at the end of a frayed ribbon in the hopes of trying to even it out, but actually all that really happens is that you make it even worse than it was to begin with.
I know this is all very vague and perhaps a little overly.."poetic" but I don't know how else to put it without getting into details I'd rather not share nor that I can explain adequately. This general feeling of mental fabric snags has been eating away at me bit by bit and I can't seem to stop it.
"Get a grip," or "toughen up," automatically spring to mind, but then I can't help but wonder well, what if I don't? What's wrong with not being 100% all the time? Then, the aforementioned contradictions set in and my perfectionist tendencies quickly dismiss those "what ifs" and I go back to trying to figure out what's going on in this head of mine.
As i was telling a friend earlier, I went out for a run to try and clear my mind and the only conclusion I came to was that I hate running.
On my way back home I stopped at the small beach across from my condo and sat for a while. WARNING: This next part is going to sound obscenely cheesy and impractical to some people but it's how I feel so skip ahead if you are tempted to ridicule. I sat on the beach and talked to God. I asked him to clear my mind, or to at least pick out the parts that were important and focus on working those out. I asked if I should leave it to Fate, and then I asked when do we stop leaving things to Fate and take them into our own hands? In what circumstances to I leave it up to the ways of the world, and in which do I make things happen myself? When do I make the effort or do I move on and leave things in the past? When do I accept things as they are, or try to change them to how I feel they should be?
As I'm writing this it's becoming more apparent that I can't really have the answers to any of these questions, because life would be easy then and well, it isn't, and it isn't for anyone. What I'm struggling to accept is that my life is out of my hands when I can't figure it out, and when I can, I take control. I've always felt that Fate isn't something that can be assigned to some aspects of life and not others; you either believe in it or you don't. But now I'm not so sure. My Mum told me the other day that she thinks I've grown up a lot since I've been here; that I'm not as "black and white" as I used to be, and now I understand that there are some gray areas. I do appreciate this perspective on life now, but it's still difficult to acknowledge it.
Typing all of this has been like water running from a faucet on high. It's just poured out freely and now it's as if someone's cut the water supply. After getting it all out into the written word, I have no conclusion, but I do feel strangely settled. Yesterday was just one day, as is today, and so will be tomorrow. I just need to take things a day at a time. <3
